Monday, September 3, 2007

A glimpse of my little soul

I saw my soul yesterday, and I cried. Laying on the bed, so still, quiet and beautiful, there it was. Soft, angelic and perfect.

Thinking Alena was awake from her nap, I opened the door to her room, but instead found her still asleep. Laying on her big, wonderful bed, eyes closed, lips just touching one another, she took my breath away. A sight so peaceful, there are only a handful you'll witness in your life.

I stood in the doorway staring, then crying without a sound, not wanting to destroy the moment of pure perfection. I was looking at my baby, but seeing a little girl so wonderfully innocent, sassy and full of life she's anything but a baby. I don't know there's ever been a time in my life when I've wished for time to stand still, but watching her sleep, I wanted the moment to last forever.

At Alena's first birthday party, a wise lady told me your children only get better with age. Yes, at one she was so fun to see toddling around, trying to communicate with her limited vocabulary and learning every minute of every day. Could she really get any better?

That wise lady was right. Babies are wonderful, toddlers are amazing, but I've got a preschooler on my hands now and it's the best yet. She's a part of the world around her. She gets what's going on in her world (sometimes a bit too well), how it affects her and how she can change the course of its outcomes.

As we prepare to send her off into the big world of preschool, I want to keep her all to myself. I selfishly want to teach her, protect her and love her all by myself, but I know I can't. At some point, I've got to let her go just a bit. Let her learn she can do it on her own, even if I'm not ready for her to.

My own mom, who I've learned is always right, said letting go of the first one is the hardest. Perhaps it's because its that first one that in an instant steals your heart to never give it back, and teaches you how to love deeper than you ever knew you could. Or maybe it's because it's your first that you experience all the "firsts" with first. First steps, first words, first day of preschool.

Soul, I'm sending you out into the big world tomorrow all by yourself. Chances are I'll cry, and while you won't hear me, it won't be as silent as last time. Please come back as wonderful as you left, and always remember I loved you before anyone else knew you.

1 comment:

Gina said...

Show 'em who's boss, Alena. And wear some snazzy shoes. :)